(I realize this is quite long but it has a lot of good information).
Are you a victim of Narcissistic Abuse?
“Pathological mind games. Covert and overt put-downs. Triangulation. Gaslighting. Projection. These are the manipulative tactics survivors of malignant narcissists are unfortunately all too familiar with. As victims of silent crimes where the perpetrators are rarely held accountable, survivors of narcissistic abuse have lived in a war zone of epic proportions, enduring an abuse cycle of love-bombing and devaluation—psychological violence on steroids.” quote by Shahida Arabi a Narcissitic abuse expert
Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
Is a condition that’s triggered by being in a warzone with a Narcisisstic personality in command (or multiple ones). “Unlike physical abuse where a single strike or blow, often leaves marks or bruises and qualifies an act of domestic violence, narcissistic abuse is invisible. Narcissistic abuse is the sum of many unseen injuries. It’s an indiscernible assault on the spirit, identity, and the psyche of the victim. The impact is cumulative, and its full effect isn’t felt until the damage is extensive. Although bruises and broken bones heal much faster than a broken spirit, narcissistic abuse tends to go unnoticed because there aren’t any laws prohibiting mind games, browbeating, or name calling.” http://www.wnnad.com
What triggers Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome?
NAS often develops as the result of psychological and emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, gaslighting, baiting and bashing, belittiling, hidden abuse, shaming, projection, smear campaigns, a false narrative, threats, distortion of conversations, circular conversations, word salad games, exploitative games, refusal to ever have a normal conversation, diversion and false accusations, omition of facts for the benefit of one person and the destruction of another. It is a type of PTSD. It often causes victims to feel defenseless and beaten down.
Narcissistic Victim Syndrome
Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome (or Narcissistic Victim Syndrome): Fog, pacing, confusion, “loss of self”, panic attacks, angry outbursts, insomnia, weight gain or weight loss, obsessive thoughts, rapid heart rate, muscle aches, throwing up, getting sick, desiring death, possibly suicidal, no interest in previous interests or even loved ones, blaming self, second guessing self, may seem desperate and trying to reach for help, fear of Narcissist annihilating them. Narcissistic Abuse is a type of soul rape.
“The ongoing impact of narcissistic abuse on victims is similar to being a prisoner of war (Brown, 2016). It’s simply too big an issue to keep ignoring. We need to act now to stem the tide, to help provide victims with the knowledge to escape their narcissistic abusers, and hopefully prevent more victims falling prey to narcissists” www.wnnad.com
Who is the abuser?
Often there is confusion surrounding who is abusing who as the fingers begin pointing at each other. Read below on further insight on how to discern who the real abuser is.
In most cases when you are dealing with a conflict with “two sides to a a story” the Narcissistic abuser will appear calm, cool, collected and reasonable. They may even appear humble if it will further his goals. This person will put doubts into the councilor’s mind and others mind that the target is mentally unstable and untrustworthy. The abused person may appear unhinged and feel and act a little crazy thus confirming what the Narcissist is saying. However, the target has been through several rounds of gaslighting, threats, baiting and bashing etc. with the narcissist that has led to the psychological and emotional demise of his victim. It does not help that often times the abusing party will act morally upright and even conduct themselves in such a manner. Read here to find out why there aren’t two sides to a story with a Narcissist.
Click here —-> Two sides to a story?
TYPICAL PROFILE OF AN ABUSER Very charming and smooth, controlling, splitting (seeing a person as all good or all bad), minimization, rationalization, denial, justifies, brandishing anger, points fingers, shames, reads into things, insolent pride, must win, guilt trip, intimidation, evasion, shaming, manipulative, do as I say not as I do (their actions do not match their words), the perpetual victim, condescending, patronizing, superior, entitled, lies, excuses, people who go against what I say should be punished, it is always someone else’s fault, the rules don’t apply to me, feigning innocence, feigning confusion, charms, vilifying the target or victim, not interested in talking things out or coming to a mutual understanding, will play judge and jury over others, will pretend to love the victim to onlookers and in the charmed circle, will feign concern for the victim, will feel sorry for themselves but not sorry for how they have effected another person, will work in unethical ways, will gaslight, bait a victim and bash the victim, threaten, exploitative, word salad games and circular conversations. May appear prideful, defensive, will not admit wrong doing and may hint at the fact that the victim is crazy or mentally unstable therefore completely untrustworthy and noncredible.
WHO THE ABUSERS TARGET? Anyone that poses a threat to their image. But the most successful emotional abuse cases are often conducted on very trusting and sensitive people. This is especially true in regards to adult bullying situations. Often the target is either a people pleaser or empathetic people. This type of person may self destruct because of their inability NOT to soak in or even recognize all the abusive tactics their perpetrators use to cause the person to emotionally and mentally deteriorate, even believing the abusers assessment on them. This just serves as further proof in the Sociopath’s smear campaign on the victim. This can be devastating for someone who has already been rejected, slandered and hated to have more people turn against them and not desire to hear their side since they believe they have already heard a very accurate rendition of the “TRUTH”. …which is actually “THE LIE”.
“Kim Saeed, a narcissistic abuse recovery expert, says that narcissists prey on empaths and highly sensitive people. Empaths operate predominately from love, humility, and giving. They have a natural capacity for healing and teaching others. However, until they learn how to responsibly use those gifts, they are often taken advantage of…not only by romantic partners, but people in general. Further, empaths have a track record of developing codependent behaviors in childhood to deal with the overwhelming unfairness in the world and to please others, which they usually carry into their adult relationships. It is easy to see, then, how empaths who were abused as children can develop exaggerated codependency issues and dependence on others to define their worth.
Kim further explains that when the empath and narcissist enter into a relationship together, it becomes hyper toxic. It creates a magnetic, yet vibrationally dysfunctional union. The empath’s sole purpose is to facilitate healing in others. Narcissists are insatiable and incurable. The empath gives to the point of complete and utter exhaustion. Because of these natural tendencies, the unaware empath often finds themselves not only being targeted by a narcissist but staying in a relationship with a toxic personality for too long and the damage to them is compounded.”
Here is a great article for you! Article: Why did Narcissists or Sociopaths target YOU?
Another great article: How to spot an abuser who claims to be a victim: https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2012/01/16/how-to-spot-an-abuser-who-claims-to-be-the-victim-by-jeff-crippen/
The video to the side is a helpful video of how YOU (the councilor, friend, pastor, etc) can tell who is abusing who in a situation and how to tell who the true abuser is. It is imperative that you figure it out so that you are not enabling an abuser. The abuser needs help in taking accountability for what they have done to another person. And the real victim needs the support that you might unknowingly be giving to the abusive party!
Unsafe Relationships- Counselor Patrick Doyle of Veritas Counseling – Focus Today
Definitions of personality disorders that exploit and abuse:
Sociopath: “A person with antisocial personality disorder. Probably the most widely recognized personality disorder. A sociopath is often well liked because of their charm and high charisma, but they do not usually care about other people. They think mainly of themselves and often blame others for the things that they do. They have a complete disregard for rules and lie constantly. They seldom feel guilt or learn from punishments. Though some sociopaths have become murders, most reveal their sociopathy through less deadly and sensational means.” Urban Dictionary online
Malignant narcissism “is a psychological syndrome comprising an extreme mix of narcissism, antisocial personality disorder, aggression, and sadism. Often grandiose, and always ready to raise hostility levels, the malignant narcissist undermines organizations in which they are involved, and dehumanizes the people with whom they associate. The social psychologist Erich Fromm first coined the term “malignant narcissism” in 1964, describing it as a “severe mental sickness” representing “the quintessence of evil“. He characterized the condition as “the most severe pathology and the root of the most vicious destructiveness and inhumanity”. Edith Weigert (1967) saw malignant narcissism as a “regressive escape from frustration by distortion and denial of reality”, while Herbert Rosenfeld (1971) described it as “a disturbing form of narcissistic personality where grandiosity is built around aggression and the destructive aspects of the self become idealized”. Developing their ideas further, the psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg pointed out that the antisocial personality was fundamentally narcissistic and without morality. Malignant narcissism includes a sadistic element creating, in essence, a sadistic psychopath. Kernberg described malignant narcissism as a syndrome characterized by a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial features, paranoid traits, and egosyntonic aggression. Other symptoms may include an absence of conscience, a psychological need for power, and a sense of importance (grandiosity). Pollock wrote: “The malignant narcissist is presented as pathologically grandiose, lacking in conscience and behavioral regulation with characteristic demonstrations of joyful cruelty and sadism“. Malignant narcissism can be distinguished from psychopathy, according to Kernberg, because of the malignant narcissist’s capacity to internalize “both aggressive and idealized superego precursors, leading to the idealization of the aggressive, sadistic features of the pathological grandiose self of these patients”. According to Kernberg, the psychopath’s paranoid stance against external influences makes him or her unwilling to internalize even the values of the “aggressor”, while malignant narcissists “have the capacity to admire powerful people, and can depend on sadistic and powerful but reliable parental images”. Malignant narcissists, in contrast to psychopaths, are also said to be capable of developing “some identification with other powerful idealized figures as part of a cohesive ‘gang‘…which permits at least some loyalty and good object relations to be internalized”. “Some of them may present rationalized antisocial behavior – for example, as leaders of sadistic gangs or terrorist groups…with the capacity for loyalty to their own comrades” Refrences:
Traits to identify the Malignant Narcissist:
1 able to form strong bonds and groups that follow him (i.e. hitler)
2 wants to relate to others
3 aggressive edge
4 will exploit in order to win
5 charismatic draw
6 pathologically lies and can deceive with ease
7 very dangerous
8 runs effective smear campaigns
Covert narcissism This type of narcissist is probably the hardest one to digest. Covert narcissism “is a more discrete form of narcissism displayed by a person with a more shy and reserved personality. It is characterized by grandiose fantasies and thoughts, a perception of entitlement, and a general sentiment of being better than others. Covert narcissism is typically expressed in a more passive and indirect manner than overt narcissism; it is conveyed with a condescending attitude, insincerity, passive aggressiveness, defensiveness, and hostility.” “When we think of a narcissist, we may think of someone who is overly concerned about their physical appearance and the way others perceive them–someone who craves attention and brags incessantly about their accomplishments and successes, without regard for others. But not all narcissists are boisterous and loud. The covert narcissist is more shy and reserved and hides their sense of entitlement and grandiose thoughts behind a facade. Their narcissism may not be apparent at first, but it usually seeps out eventually.”
Here is an excellent article on the signs of covert narcissists: The Covert Narcissist
With a covert narcissist you are in a frying pan being fried and don’t even realize it until it’s too late. This can make even the strongest of people crumble under their manipulation. This kind of Narcissist will often lie by omission, use someone to get information only to turn on the person and will also use very underhanded tactics to divide people.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is “a personality disorder in which there is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of understanding of others’ feelings. People affected by it often spend a lot of time thinking about achieving power or success, or about their appearance. They often take advantage of the people around them. The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations.”
Signs and Symptoms: “People with narcissistic personality disorder are characterized by their persistent grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, and a disdain and lack of empathy for others. These individuals often display arrogance, a sense of superiority, and power-seeking behaviors. Narcissistic personality disorder is different from having a strong sense of self-confidence; people with NPD typically value themselves over others to the extent that they disregard the feelings and wishes of others and expect to be treated as superior regardless of their actual status or achievements. In addition, people with NPD may exhibit fragile egos, an inability to tolerate criticism, and a tendency to belittle others in an attempt to validate their own superiority. According to the DSM-5, individuals with NPD have most or all of the following symptoms, typically without commensurate qualities or accomplishments:
1 Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from others
2 Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
3 Self-perception of being unique, superior and associated with high-status people and institutions
4 Needing constant admiration from others
5 Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
6 Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
7 Unwilling to empathize with others’ feelings, wishes, or needs
8 Intensely envious of other and the belief that others are equally envious of them
9 Pompous and arrogant demeanor”
Reference for definition of NPD: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
How the sociopath operates to gain the upper hand
The Abuse Cycle
DENY, MINIMIZE, AGGRESS, GASLIGHT, EXPLOIT, DESTROY, SMEAR
Above and on the side are diagrams that describes the typical abuse pattern a narcissist displays. This article is a MUST READ: Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
Narcissistic Abuse Tactic #1 Gaslighting
What in the WORLD is going on?? Welcome to CRAZYMAKING!
“Gaslighting is a very real and debilitating in an abusive dynamic with a narcissist. Over time you are managed down and manipulated into believing the atrocities that are directed straight to your psyche that you can’t identify the real dynamic of this insidious abuse and just blame yourself. The gaslighting effect happens gradually and by the time you are so deep into the hideous manipulation you allow it to define your reality and sanity. Consequently you are not the same strong, confident or centered person you once were. It is as if your personality was erased and darkness has taken over and surrounded you. Your functioning self has been compromised so much so that you are not certain of your own mental and physical reality and accept the defective role the Narcissist has designed for you! You are living in a dense fog of constant uncertainty, vulnerability, confusion and fear, and there you will reside until the cycle of abuse is broken!” Greg Zaffuto
Narcissistic Abusive Tactic #2: Baiting and Bashing
How the smear campaign starts
Reactionary Abuse is when the target of abuse reacts to the abuse by getting angry. At some point the target will come to the realization that something terribly wrong has occured in the situation. When they are gaslighted, baited and bashed and dealt with harshly they may react by lashing out at the abuser. The target walking on eggshells the whole while will then flip out when they sense a false narrative or something else has gone wrong in the situation with the Narcissist. Something is TERRIBLY wrong. The Narcissist is about to turn the target’s personality upside down and push forth a false narrative. The Narcissist then uses the victim’s reaction as evidence of the victim’s mental instability and their abusing them. However, the evidence never harmed the Narcissist. The victim played right into the Narcissist’s hand! The screaming, yelling, walking on egg shells, or becoming defensive is exactly what the Narcissist wanted. When the victim claims abuse the Narcissist then turns around and points the finger claiming the victim abused them. This is how the smear campaign is initially launched. To onlookers this can be confusing. The Narcissist will come off as the poor victim of this emotionally unstable person who is yelling at them. But the Narcissists will fail to mention the fact that they had been baiting and bashing the victim, threatening the victim and gaslighting the victim, pathologically lying and accusing the victim instead of looking to understand. The Narcissist will NEVER try to understand. The Narcissist takes delight in pointing fingers and claiming “they just know”. This further hurts and upsets the scapegoat.
How the Narcisssist will appear: Will most likely come off as calm, cool, collected and very confident that they are in the right. Will admit little to no wrong doing. Will claim to be the victim. May claim that they are praying for and love the victim. The victim knows this is the furthest thing from the truth but this “act of loving the victim” will fool many which is what makes them so dangerous. Will never try to understand the targets point of view. Will sit as judge and jury over the target through false accusations. If they do appear humble it is their bad acting skills at work in order to gain favor from someone. They will continually justify their actions. They will downplay and minimize their role.
How the victim will appear: Expect someone who is in a fog, confused, will admit wrong doing, may say too much, will desperately want reconciliation but may realize it is impossible. Or they may have stockholm syndrome and try to protect the Narcissist. If they have developed PTSD they may struggle with anger or rage towards the Narcissist. They may appear as if they are going crazy.
How are people coned by the Narcissist? The Narcissists tells “part” of a story in order to portray their target a certain way. They leave out a lot of information and highly exaggerate and twist what their target has done in order to get people upset with the target. The target or victim may be easily exploitable and controlled because of the unhealthy bond that has developed with the Narcissist. Many malignant narcissists and sociopaths will work hard to develop strong soul ties with both men and women around them. These people will back up the Narcissist no matter what. And the person who is the target may have also have developed a strong bond which the Narcissist then uses against the person. The Narcissist will downplay and hide their wrong doing. They will create a group of flying monkey’s in their charmed circle ready to stand and defend them. People often want to take people at face value so they believe that the victim is the abuser and is the one in the wrong which further re-traumatizes the victim. The Narcissist(s) will get away with what they have pulled off and feel justified in it. THEY WILL EVEN ENJOY HURTING ANOTHER PERSON.
Narcissistic Abuse Technique #2 Baiting and Bashing
Narcissistic Abuse Tactic #3: Pathological Lying
How you and I lie: We are embarrassed or we’re trying to protect someone’s feelings.
Sociopaths, Malignant Narcissists and Covert Narcissists: When their mouths are moving they are most likely either lying or exsagerating. They recreate a story, they make up a story, they ommit tons of facts. Anything to WIN.
How the Sociopath or Naricissist lies to you at one point: Listen I’m not a good person. This is just a problem I struggle with. I hope you can forgive me. I forgive you too. Let’s just keep this between us.
To his friends or religous friends: You’ll never believe what happened. (accuses his target and leaves out everything he’s done to her) She’s falsely accused me and smearing my name everywhere. (not true) The Lord has brought me into all truth regarding her. I’ve been faithful in all this and she is persecuting me. She probably has a demon based on how she is behaving (he and his minions have been abusing her to keep her quiet). We really need to be keeping her in our prayers and pray for her repentance.
To you later on: Who are you talking to? (you’re probably telling nobody cause you’re so terrified to talk. But the Narcissist is paranoid). This was supposed to be confidential between you and me. You are going to ruin my reputation. You aren’t supposed to be talking. I can’t even look at you. If you say one more word I’ll take you down! (by the way all that stuff I said to you before, you misunderstood it and I never really said it, and I didn’t mean it..).
The sociopath and the narcissist will lie by OMISSION. Painting their target in the worst possible light by portraying themselves as concerned and morally upright people who were only trying to help their target while in truth they were trying to destroy her. They lie to make themselves look good and the other person look bad. They may even feign confusion. They’re not confused at all, they know exactly what they are doing and what they are up to. After an audience hears a narcissists or sociopaths story you can bet their target will have some enemies and that nobody will want to hear your side.
Narcissist Pathological lying – A Manipulation Tool
Narcissistic Abuse Technique #4 The Smear Campaign
Spreading a false narrative or painting a picture of someone that is untrue to their character in order to discredit and isolate the victim from other people. It is often used to prevent the truth from coming out. It may also be used due to vindictiveness, jealousy or sense of a threat.
Great Definition of the Narcissistic Smear Campaign: “When the smear campaign begins with a Narcissistic Sociopath, it is an intentional, premeditated effort to discredit our reputation, character and quite simply, our total being. This premeditation is done in the same way a criminal puts into motion his act of crime. With a smear campaign, the Sociopath strategically starts recalling all the things you have ever shared with them regarding your own personal experiences (ie: triumphs/failures), any and all things shared about people closest to you, or anyone you had a relationship with prior to them. They then take this information and set out to destroy you emotionally and mentally” Sociopathlife.com
How the Narcissist(s) will paint the Victim: 1. Mentally unstable 2. twisting things 3. unreliable 4. pathetic 5. dangerous 6. untrustworthy 7. possibly demon possessed or something of the like. The Narcissist(s) are projecting their OWN traits onto the victim which makes figuring out who is in the wrong confusing. If they lie, they will accuse the victim of being a liar. If the victim lied it was probably because they were scared. The Narcissist lies to order to DISTORT AND DESTROY. If they manipulate, they will accuse the victim of manipulating. If they abuse, they will accuse the victim of abuse. The portrait painted of the victim is typically an upside down version of who that person is or an exaggeration of wrongdoings. They will pull out all the garbage on the victim and exaggerate greatly what the victim has done. The smear is FULL of half truths, exsagerations and downright lies about the target. They will even try to convince the victim that they are these things which a very altruistic and sensitive person will then begin to wear and feel badly about themselves. What makes a narcissist or narcissist family group so dangerous it that they truly believe their own lies about the scapegoat. They need to believe them and want to believe them in order to clear themselves. These are what the Bible refers to as “hypocrites” or “Pharisees”. The scapegoat or victim may be guilty of some things but they will say sorry and admit failure. The Narcissist(s) never will admit that they are even more guilty than their target of lying, being manipulative and so forth. That is why reconciliation with a Narcissist is almost impossible. The Narcissist will sit as judge and jury over the other person who is willing to admit some fault. But the Narcissist will admit none and will even accuse their target of having motives they never had etc. Therefore real reconciliation will be impossible.
Why does the Narcissist Smear?
1 No longer a good source of supply
2 Reputation is threatened
3 The person has seen through the Narcissist
4 The person has inflicted a Narcissistic injury
5 Because it’s fun to torture someone elses’ soul and get others to gang up on them.
The Narcissistic Smear Campaign
Narcissistic Abuse Tactic #5 Threats
When the Narcissist is afraid of exposure he will push out a false narrative and threaten the victim or target with it. He will threaten to do things, say things, he will threaten your reputation. The threats are basically a way for the Narcissist to cover up what he has done or what really occured. So if he threatens his target with pushing out a lie then the target is silenced. The victim becomes afraid to speak up due to the fact that the Narcissist has threatened to push out a false narrative or false accusations against the victim. This gives the Narcissist power and control over the victim which is what he desires.
A common case of abuse: Man abuses woman. Woman picks up phone to call police. Man starts beating himself up. Then he says to her “if you call the police, I will tell them you were the one abusing me… and they will believe me because my marks are worse than yours and you will spend time in jail.” Woman puts phone down. Woman is trapped.
Narcissistic Abuse Tactic #6 Circular Conversations and Word Salad Games
These tactics will leave your head spinning. Circular conversations are used to confuse the target and also so that the Narcissist never has to admit fault or take responsibility for anything. They are slippery critters. So you may say “stop manipulating me..” And they will respond.. “You stop manipulating me!” You may say, “you’re lying..” to which they will respond, “no, you’re lying.” You can’t really get them to own up to anything they are doing cause they are going to project it right back to you. Here is a more extensive article on Word Salad Games and Circular Converstaions and how they leave the target feeling –
Here is a great article for you! 10 Warning Signs of Word Salad Games
Narcissistic Abuse Tactic #7 Minimize and Deny
For whatever reason these people push out false narratives and deny reality. They lie about the reasons they have done something – and pin it on their target. They do not own up to their mistakes, deceptions, lies, cover-ups etc. They deny being abusive. They deny what they’ve done to contribute to the demise of a situation. They will frequently blame their target for the outcome of a situation leaving out their underhanded manipulative tactics to make sure they come out looking like the victim. They have no desire to understand their target or the person they are abusing. It is always someone elses’ fault. So they live in a constant state of denial.
Their #1 desire is to WIN. They play dirty. They play unfairly. And they make sure their hands are clean of the abuse.
Their #2 desire is to look like victims and heros.
Their #3 desire is to SILENCE their target through isolating and discrediting them
Their #4 desire is to never be held accountable for what they did to another human being. Stripping them of their integrity, denying them a voice, destroying their reputation, exaggerating their wrong doings and leaving out how they controlled their target in an underhanded shaming scheme.
Narcissistic Abuse Tactic #8 Stonewalling
The less you know about what they are saying about you, the more power they have. They will withhold information in order to control a situation that has taken place. This is how they can then compromise the integrity of another person and then use them for their own personal benefit and gain in order to control a situation or a person. They will also lie extensively by omission and controlling of the facts. Make no mistake, they do this on purpose to destroy another person. Many targets will say that they had no idea a false narrative was being pushed out until it was too late. Many targets will say they were in a complete FOG once they realized what was occuring – trying to put the pieces together. Stonewalling is different than when the victim goes “no contact”. Stonewalling is done on purpose to control, withhold and dominate. “No Contact” is done to protect the victim from further abuse by the abusers. This drives the abusers mad as they can no longer control their target and they know the target probably sees through their covert aggressive moves.
Narcissistic Abuse Tactic #9 Projection
They convince the target, others and even themselves that YOU are THEM.
Narcissistic Abuse Tactic #10 Scapegoating
Well, there is the well known common situation where a child ends up as the scapegoat in a family. And those children usually escape the family and break out on their own, go no contact and refuse to take any more abuse from Narcissistic family members. But there are also scapegoats in church situations, job situations, and school situations. These are generally nice people who get bullied and scapegoated to the point where they aren’t able to think clearly anymore and just accept the blame because they are so beaten down by covert aggressive manipulators who manage to paint themselves as the victim of a person who probably wanted nothing more but to please them and be their friends. #scapegoatnomore
Narcissistic Scapegoat Dynamic Part 1
Abuse Tactic # 11 Fake Apologies or Fake Apology Notes
The mask of seeming humility that fools so many
The Narcissists are well aware that you love them but that they do not love you. (Although they will tell people that they love you) They know the situation at hand may eventually come out so they may leave a paper trail of their “reasonablness” or their “fake apologies” so that when you accuse them of abuse they will pull out all their “papers” on how wonderful they were to you and how horrible your reactions were to them. And then they get to turn the tables on you and accuse you of abuse. The only difference is that OUR supposed abuse never affected them. We just played right into their hands. Of course they are leaving out that they have been covertly abusing you for several months or even longer which is why your reactions were so strong and so “hateful”. But that is after of course they have exploited our kindness, empathy and sensitivity and we just cannot believe the evil we are up against. We spend so much time trying to make sense of it. Narcissists will even do fake apologies and try to reconcile with a group of people they’ve been alienated from but will do it as a true “martyr” and they will be eager to set the record straight about YOU. The Villian plays the Victim so well. And this role reversal fools everyone.
Abuse Tactic #12 Planted Gifts
Gifts given with the intent of proving to others their love and our hate
They don’t give you gifts because they love you. They give them to 1. keep you quiet or 2. to impress another narcissist or minion or 3. to have proof of how wonderful they were to you after YOU supposedly abused them and to “win” the argument. Remember: they twist everything. YOUR MOTIVE FOR GIVING GIFTS: To make peace, to let them know you forgive them, to build a bridge of communication. It’s in the motives! They do it to impress another Narcissist or to make themselves look good. You do it because you genuinely love them.
The Role of Stockholm Syndrome in Narcissistic Abuse
One of the saddest things about Narcissistic abuse is how the victim will often protect or even cover for the Narcissist while the Narcissist and his followers are trying to destroy her. At a later time the Narcissist will use this against his target, especially if a Narcisisstic injury has occured. There is no level of depravity that the Narcissist will stoop to to destroy his target. The narcissist will even use and exploit kinder and weaker people in order to be admired and pities by others. Even while a victim is being abused you may still hear her defend her abuser and blame herself.
The Narcissistic Smirk
The dead giveaway that you’re dealing with a whole different kind of evil!
Many of us who have been in a dynamic with a truly sick individual who lives off of other people’s “emotional blood” to supply themselves have seen this evil grin come across the abusers face. We can see as we look at them that they are enjoying how much they are getting away with at your expense and to your own mental and emotional deterioration. This smirk signals to many of us how evil this person really is and how toxic they are for our well being.
The Narcissist Smirk of Evil
The Role of Flying Monkey’s (Abuse by Proxy)
The Narcissists Minions, flying monkey’s, whatever you’d like to call it – they are the narcissists charmed circle who believe the Narcissist(s) has done minimal to no damage in the dynamic or situation that you are in. They are drinking the milkshake!
Are you sure you’re not supporting an abuser?
So you’ve just heard this crazy story about someone and how evil they are. It almost seems too horrific to be true. You begin to look at this person that you once thought was a wonderful person as a monster. Possibly this monster has three horns on their head and is the anti-christ walking around. If nothing else, this is truly a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Atleast this is what you have been led to believe.
You are so angry and upset by what you have heard that you don’t even question whether it is true or not. You begin to “fight” on the behalf of the poor Narcissist. In your mind there is no doubt that the person they are speaking about is guilty of what they are being accused of. You’ve heard enough “evidence” or people talking that you are now convinced. Going and speaking with the smeared person never even occurs to you. You’ve been warned about them. They are a manipulative liar who is probably mentally ill. Why would you ever trust anything they said? The Narcissist has gone to great lengths (recruiting other flying monkey’s) and has portrayed himself as the smeared person (and the scapegoat as the dangerous person) therefore in you’re mind.. he is the victim. But is he? Is he getting therapy for what he’s gone through? Is he in support groups now for Narcissistic and Sociopathic abuse? Does he have PTSD or symptoms of it? OR is it the REAL victim that is?
There are never two sides to a story, there are subjective truths, the truth as God and God alone sees it and those who sit as judge and jury over another person. Don’t be duped by the Narcissist or multiple ones. By the way, they often are in FAMILY GROUPS. It is a trait that gets passed down or is learned. Narcissists become friends with other Narcissists because they feed each other’s ego and stoke each other. They move in packs and literally DESTROY a scapegoat or target’s life. Flying Monkey’s are especially good at re-traumatizing the victim. They may tell the victim that they “need to forgive themselves” and further hurt the person who is innocent of what they are being accused of.
The Narcissist(s) ONE MISSION: To look like the HERO and the VICTIM and to get other people so upset that EVERYONE Is attacking the scapegoat or target
Abuse By Proxy: From Smear Campaigns to 3rd-party Stalking and Abuse
What do I do if I am being abused by a Narcissist or Sociopath?
The Smear Campaign has launched and/or your being emotionally abused
Here is an article that will greatly help you understand “No Contact” and why it is necessary for you.
Article: This is what it really means to go no contact with an Abusers
Grey Rock or Robot Mode
This is where we dim our light and go discreetly into the background
In going gray rock we seek to be as boring as a: ROCK! This takes away any excitement from the game the Narcissist wants to play with us. After all they love to live off of our highs and lows. So if you need to stay in contact with your parent, ex or whomever try this! I’ve inserted a link to an article that will describe this for you in greater detail. How to use the gray rock method with a Narcissist
How can you help a Victim of Narcissistic Abuse?
Listen to the target’s story. Encourage them to tell it. They need someone who will listen and support them. Here is an article on how to support a victim of emotional abuse:
How you can help a victim of Narcissistic Abuse
Thank-you for visiting my site. My name is Jayme and I was in an unfortunate situation where I was the target of 3 people with cluster b personality disorders (the sociopath, malignant narcissist, and covert narcissist (pretend co-dependant). Cluster B’s are often attracted to each other and you often will find them within a group. I went through a smear campaign, I was heavily gaslighted, and psychologically and spiritually abused. I developed what is now known as Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. As a result of the emotional and psychological torture I was subjected to I have become passionate in helping other victims claim a voice and bring awareness to covert aggressive manipulators and hidden abuse. I believe I was chosen to go through what I went through so that I would become an advocate and voice for other victims of Narcissistic abuse and to bring awareness. You’re not crazy! You’re not alone. Even though I have never met you – I BELIEVE YOU!
Another good article: The Art of Subtle Sabotage – how predators set up and disarm and destroy their victims
And Another good article: Understanding Why Narcissists Targeted YOU
Let’s bring awareness together!
Another great website to visit is www.wnaad.com #ifmywoundswerevisible Please print this brochure to spread awareness in your community regarding Narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic Abuse – An Evil Unseen Brochure
Full article: http://narcissisticvictimsyndrome.com