I have a birthday wish this year. It’s a first, a new one for sure. It is for all survivors of Narcissistic/Psychological/Emotional Abuse Survivors. And yes I do mean survivors.
My wish is that one day this type of domestic abuse will be more commonly recognized and visible. Physical abuse has tangible proof. Narcissistic abuse is hidden, covert, long-term, subtle, and unseen. It is worse than physical because of its traumatic depth as physical abuse heals much faster.
The abuser slowly, systematically chips away at your soul destroying your sense of self and sense of independence. They don’t go after weak people, they target the strong and independent. They do this in order to control you and to take from you. A narcissistic abuser uses people as objects to further their own agenda and goals and there are few to no warning signs until they begin to see you are on the verge of uncovering it all and exposing them, their lies, and their abuse.
We all know the rath of an exposed Narcissist is nothing to joke about. They will project, lie, and make enemies from lifelong friends faster than one can blink once the truth is exposed. Normal relationships do not come to a sudden, unexplained end overnight, but a Narcissist has a pattern of such endings, even if you’re unaware of it at the time.
A narcissist will plant negative seeds in the minds of their remaining supporters around them unbeknownst to the victim while they are quietly preparing for the sudden discard. The narcissist will begin laying the path for the discard quietly once they have their sights on a new victim who they can easily manipulate. They will begin saying subtle negative things about their partner unbeknownst to the partner whom they regularly shower with love and affection making up with them every time after subtle abuse, until they have found a replacement target and new victim. The ego of a Narcissist will stop at nothing and will always protect itself from the truth being exposed. Trauma Bonding/Stockholm Syndrome Brainwashing is the stuff of horror films and nightmares. It is paralyzing, numbing and completely sinister.
The past 10 months of my life have been the most profound months of my life. I have learned so much about Cluster B personalities and about people in general beyond the scope of my formal education. As an empath, as a counselor, coach and therapist my deep compassion and empathy for those who have experienced this type of sinister abuse has grown from empathetic to I literally now get it and understand and feel your pain. I am seeing more and more of it too as time goes by.
Sometimes the worst part of it is the after effects of a few (very few fortunately) people that you quickly learn have no compassion or empathy for another’s pain. Whether it is an intentional lack of compassion by some who use the abuser for their own personal gain (flying monkeys as they’re commonly called or tongue biters and enablers) or intentional, the pain is still the same.
Imagine asking a burn victim and survivor of a horrific fire if they would like to go to a fireworks display or a bonfire. Imagine asking a plane crash survivor who can still smell the smoke in their hair if they would like to fly out this coming weekend somewhere fun. While these events may sound wonderful to you to a traumatized person it is invalidating and re-traumatizing. It is much the same when you ask a victim and survivor of this type of narcissistic abuse if they are dating again. The last thing any healthy person who has experienced this type of deep trauma and betrayal wants to do is to be re-traumatized. This trauma has been subtly ongoing, like the subtle chipping away of an ice sculpture. The reaction to imagining dating is felt physically.
NAS (Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome) is a form of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). It is usually never seen or recognized by the victim while it is happening to them. It isn’t discovered, recognized or uncovered until the relationship has ended and they are safely away from the ongoing daily abuse. A Narcissist is a master craftsman at making Narcissistic Abuse appear as love.
My wish is for more awareness of this very common type of domestic abuse. Emotional/Psychological/Narcissistic/Mental Abuse is severely traumatic for the victim and survivor. The years of ongoing gaslighting, love bombing, then stonewalling then repeating the cycle until inevitable discard is unimaginably traumatizing and destructive for the victim.
If anyone you know and care about has experienced it, give them your love, patience, support and empathy. No one expects anyone who hasn’t personally experienced it to truly understand what they’ve been through, but compassion, support and empathy doesn’t require understanding.
My wish is for more compassion for survivors as they begin to recover and heal from the horrific abuse of brainwashing and control in these types of domestic abuse.
Once the burns begin to heal and the smoke begins to clear out of your hair one day, when you feel whole again perhaps re-coupling will be something you choose to do once you’re trained in recognizing the subtle unseen signs of a Covert Narcissist. The trauma does not go away. One can heal from trauma but it takes a lot of time and patience for yourself and from those around you. It will likely be necessary to remove certain people out of your life who re-traumatize you and have no compassion or understanding for what you have been through. No one can truly understand or imagine the devastation that is experienced by another’s attempt to destroy them until they’ve experienced it first-hand themselves.
My wish, in closing, is that all survivors of all types of domestic abuse are treated with love and compassion as they begin their journey of healing and trusting others and their own judgment of people again. It does get better as you learn and yes, you will heal. As a survivor of this type of sinister, subtle abuse for many years, that is my birthday wish.
Cheers to health, to healing, and to the infinite possibilities.
Love, light and an abundance of blessings to you in the New Year.